When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
