genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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