What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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