i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm too high and old for this...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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