5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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