Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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