My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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