it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He felt like a one man threesome
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
