Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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