Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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