Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
