two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
operation harelip BJ is a go
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
