oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
