I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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