I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
