well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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