as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
