Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
