Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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