I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
