Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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