Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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