just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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