Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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