why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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