come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
