You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
