my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
