I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
