After last night, I could never be a politician.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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