Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
