the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
