i think my tv is drunk
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
