The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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