Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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