they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
