So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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