I heard we made out
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
