You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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