just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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