So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
