i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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