TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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