You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
