i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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