I could make wine with my vomit
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
