Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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