Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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