omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
