I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
